oh the places we've grown

we started here, on september 14th, 2009

where you- tired, sick, sad, and scared-
met two strangers
who couldn't take away
your anguish.

two strangers
who couldn't take you back
to those who had left you in our care,
or to those you loved.

you've come from these appointments...

through your grief and fright...

to these:

and driving up to P.T. squealing excitedly:
"Mei Mei like this one!"

you have come to shine...
showing us your delight with life
and all that it has to offer.

you, our brave girl.
our beautiful girl.

you knew when you were ready to let go,
one day asking me to remove the hello kitty
necklace that had been worn since that first day we met.

it made me sad, just a little.
but it spoke volumes about your maturity and strength.


you've come to embrace your family..
aunt karen and "stop it" jay...

the band of southeast cousins:


and you've made some new friends:

you are in heaven just being tossed back and forth
in your favorite car
between mom and dad...

and you thrive on your routine of bath, brush teeth,
and bed.

you're a silly goose when you take your shirt off!

and ransom has finally captured your heart...

but not quite the way you, m-n-m, have captured ours...

with the ARNP at N. the specialty hospital
that is following/treating her spina bifida.
it is here she sees a team of doctors including:
neurosurgeon, orthopedist, urologist, gastroenterologist
and if needed, a nephrologist.

the walkway between the main hospital and N.

waiting for the neurosurgeon

yeah baba, draw that one

gowning up for xrays of her legs and back

sure. snap that pic mama. cuz i'm loving this.

A week ago we made it to all those appointments that were postponed due to our accident with the deer. And I am so glad we chose the facility we did to help our girl. The first appointment with the ARNP, where we addressed all of our concerns, went so smoothly that it set the tone for the rest of the day. And even though by 4pm she wasn't in the mood for anymore, she stuck it out like a trooper, getting through some awkward xrays with mom and dad at her side in our lead aprons.

For all her challenges, she's doing so well, but we knew that already :O) In spite of that fact she does have challenges to face. We learned that the difference in leg length is actually 4cm (not 2), and is related to both the dislocation of the left hip (bringing it up by 2 cm) and the fact that she broke her right femur twice and how it was repaired in China. And though I'd done enough research and reading prior to this appointment, we got confirmation that fixing the dislocation is not recommended for children with spina bifida, though it seems to be contingent on the case itself and I'm not sure if we should seek a second opinion. Since I have been so impressed with this physician (who is open to debate and questions), I think I'll present my concerns first and we'll take it from there. One thing we didn't address were the contractures in her feet and right ankle and left knee, which do need correction according to most research and will aid her in walking. We also found out she does have (very) mild scoliosis, but that isn't normally treated until the teen years. Now it's just a matter of working hard to prevent it from worsening, as much as we can.

The neurosurgeon didn't have much to evaluate- without an MRI of her back and brain, it was mostly a meet and greet. She is scheduled for her first MRI (of her back) on November 30th and I'm definitely nervous since she'll be under sedation for this. He did confirm that she does not have hydrocephalus and he expects the MRI of her brain to be normal. He also gave us a lot of literature to read regarding her condition and all the possible complications related to it.

Meanwhile, we wait to hear from her ARNP about her next set of appointments- first testing of her bladder and kidneys, then a trip to the urologist. This is the next hill I am anxious to climb. Achieving social continence is the goal for her and the sooner we start working on that, the better. She is so eager to learn!

This past weekend my sister Karen and brother-in-law "Stop It Jay" came for a visit, and as we were walking around a local arts festival, Karen looked at me and said, "I can't believe how lucky we are. I mean, you saw her picture and look what has come of that". And I nodded, replying, "And to think it could have gone either way, that we almost said no".

In spite of all her "handicaps", her "disability"- there is nothing disabled about this little girl. I look at her everyday and see perfection. We all do.

my M-n-M

Henan Kids International

A few weeks ago I was asked to write a synopsis of my journey to Ellis Gao Mei for Henan Kids International, an organization that is run by adoptive families to help raise awareness and funds for children with special needs in orphanages throughout this province (the same province our girl comes from). She was (is) the "kid of the month"! It was such an honor to tell her story and to see her featured there, knowing this will one day be a part of her lifebook.

And naturally, my heart is with these children- those I call her "brothers and sisters". I sponsor two from Henan and look forward to doing the same through Henan Kids International one day- I can't wait to teach Mei Mei the beauty of giving back in this way. Were it not for her sponsors, she would never have received the care she needed, nor the surgeries or medical treatment. I hope you will take the time to visit their website and consider doing the same or making a donation to one of their causes. The need is incredibly great. This is taken directly from the website:

General Needs

We need formula, clothes, diapers, toys, childcare equipment (refrigerator, washer and dryer, cribs, walkers, feeding chairs, TV, music CDs, etc.), and medical supplies and medicine, etc.

Help with Medical Treatment

Every child under our care has one or more medical conditions. Although some children are able to wait for medical attention or surgeries after adoption, many others require immediate attention.

Volunteers Needed

Offer your talents, skills, or time – if you are a medical professional or physical/occupational therapist, we need you on our short-term medical mission; if you have a lot of time and tons of love, our LOCCs may need you to volunteer as a long-term (1-12 months) caregiver.

Specific Orphanage Needs

Anyang SWI is in need of a color printer ($230) and a photo copier ($1900). If interested in helping with either of these needs, please specify this project when making a donation.

Clothing and Toy Drive for Henan

Have your kids outgrown their pre-school toys and infant clothes? Don’t want to just dump them off at Goodwill? Then bring/send them to CCAI and we will make sure they will go to good use in the orphanages throughout Henan.

The orphanages in Henan would love our help to provide stimulating toys for kids ages 0-3 years. Please make sure toys are in working condition and cleaned fairly well. It would be best if the toys did not require batteries as it will require money to replace those batteries (we all have been through that!)

If you are done with your infant clothes or you have friends who are looking to make more room in their storage closet as well, the orphanages are in great need of baby/infant clothing size newborn to 12 months. Clothes can be new or in gently used condition. All seasons of clothing are needed; so don’t forget to look for coats, boots, shoes, and hats as well!

My son came to me in a shirt from Target, so someone had obviously left some clothes for the orphanage to use, and they do use them!

So go clean out those dusty bins, rummage the garage sales, and spread the word—let’s show love to the orphans of Henan through these donations!

Current Projects

Lily Orphanage Care Centers

There are currently three LOCCs located in LuoHe, ZhengZhou and KaiFeng orphanages, where care is being provided to 50 children.

Below is an outline of some of the associated costs at each LOCC.

Daily food & formula support $30/child/ month

Toys $ 100/per LOCC/ quarter (3LOCCx$400/4quarter=$1200/year)

Staff salary $ 130/per month (total 38 staff x $130=$4940/month)

Medical care $20/ per child/per month

Foster care sponsorship

Currently 50 kids are being cared for at a monthly cost of $40 (US) per child. And a once a year thanks gifts for foster care parents of $50ea.

Season cloth

For all 2000 children in Henan at a cost of $15 per child, for a total of $30,000 a year.

Child care and foster care training

Training is given to both the care givers and foster parent at a cost of $100 each. This includes three days of training, transportation, room, and board, along with the trainer’s expenses.

Education support for older kids

Hiring a teacher $294/month

School supplies $ 35/per semester

Special project

We can find hospitals to provide kids free surgeries, however, the orphanages have to send caregivers along with the child, yet can not afford this cost. Our goal is to establish a fund to support this cost, thereby enabling the children to have the necessary medical treatments that they require.

If any of you happen to know someone that is willing to help them with their web design (by donation), please leave a comment here as well. As I said, this organization was created by adoptive families and it's sole purpose is to help these children, so there isn't any "extra" to pay for this service... so you would be donating by helping them redesign the site.

Thanks for reading this. It means so much to me. Even one small donation makes a difference. Every single one counts.

Henan Kids International

If this comes creased and creased again and soiled
as if I'd opened it a thousand times
to see if what I'd written was right,
it's all because I looked for you for so long
to put it in your pocket. Midnight says
the little gifts of loneliness come wrapped
by nervous fingers. What I wanted
to say was that I want to be so close
that when you find it, it is warm from me.

~Ted Kooser~

they didn't tell me this would be a drug

that is: the pure joy of picking up your daughter after her very first day of school, during which you missed her so much you just had to shop to cure your blues, and then you clock watched until the appointed time you told her you would return and lo and behold she remembered, talked about it the whole way home, 'mama comin' 3" pointing at her school and saying, "baba no 3, baba comin' 5" (meaning, home from work) and i'm thinking....

damn my kid is smart. and even though it was tragic dropping her (i mean, for her- i really was good)- and she cried and cried, she was so happy when i came 6 hours later to retrieve her. sitting at a table coloring. content. and chattering on about what she colored, and wanting to call unclejaykaren (cuz she says it all together like that). she even said, "I see it"- words i've never heard my girl utter.

and how her face lit up when she saw me. it's like some drug, motherhood!!

and seeing her first ever "school" art... and reading that she ate all her lunch. i mean... mainline me! i'm hooked! i'm in love!!!

perspective

Perspective... they say it's everything. What is it exactly? I'll share the definition: the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship; the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship; a specific point of view in understanding or judging things or events, esp. one that shows them in their true relationship to one another. A particular way of viewing things that depends on one's experience and personality.

When we left our house Monday morning for the long awaited appointments with 2 specialists and the nurse practitioner at the spina bifida clinic in a city 1.5 hours away, none of us imagined that at 10 AM we'd see 2 deer crossing the highway. I pointed them out to M-n-M, as I am an avid deer lover, and worried intensely that one of them would be hit by traffic in the opposite lanes. The next thing I knew, there was a thundering crash and a third was being flung on top of my hood. I was screaming and crying, Garth was uttering, "oh God", and I could hear, faintly, the whimpers of my girl, frightened by my reaction. I slowly pulled to the side of the road, opened my door, coughing, nauseated, trying to catch my breath, while Garth gently hoisted M-n-M into his arms, where she quickly quieted down. Some passerby stopped to ask if we were okay. I was dazed, only nodded, looking for her... clamoring out of the car- there she was- she was okay, there in his arms. A little teary, but fine. So brave, this one, so much braver than me and it's always been like that. Thank God she never saw what hit us.

Garth walked a bit with her after we all hugged and kissed and pulled ourselves together. The deer was nowhere in sight. I felt sick. I have never hit an animal in my life and happen to have great affection for deer. Hunting season has confused them, caused this, no doubt. I can think of no other reason for deer to be out so late in the morning. I say a prayer that the deer goes peacefully, in haste.

While I'm on the phone making all the necessary phone calls, Garth and M-n-M are outside of the car, talking, looking in at me. She smiles once in a while, points, snarls her face when she sees the mangled mess my bumper has become, and I know the growling noise she's making. She might even be saying, "Mama car broken". Garth tells me later she not only says that, but tells him over and over, with gestures, how I cried because of the accident, and points to the side that is intact, saying, "This one no broken". Her empathy astounds me. She doesn't know yet my tears have nothing to do with the damage to the car.

It will hit me much later, when the shock has worn off. After hours at the repair shop waiting on the ride back to the rental car agency. After picking up the extra car seat- and driving back to the repair shop to pick up my amazing future husband and daughter, both who bear the patience of saints. After she nods off in the car, exhausted.

It will hit me when she lies sleeping at the restaurant, where we decide to stop for a long awaited lunch.

At that moment, I'll look at Garth, and the real tears will come. I'll say to him... it could have been so much worse. I'll tell him I am so sad about the deer, but it was better that I never saw him, because if I had, I would have swerved, slammed on the breaks, and maybe he would have hit her door. Or the car could have flipped. So many different scenarios. He could have broken glass, come through a windshield. Hurt her. Us.

I would get perspective. Right then.

And I'd forgive myself for taking a life. And saving this one.

She awakes to be her happy self again. She's the best at recovery. Is that true of all kids? I don't know. But I know it's true of our girl. She's the one who knows that life is ultimately good, she is the constant reminder that no amount of bad can ever keep her (or anyone in her presence) from smiling.

Her hugs heal my sadness.

And seeing her embrace Baba and life again, often saying, "Mama car broken"- acknowledging and affirming my own heartache- learning on this day that she is not only brave, beautiful, funny, & affectionate- but empathetic as well- causes my heart to swell in gratefulness.

How grateful I am for this little girl who lights up our world. How grateful I am for the strength of this man who is her father. How grateful I am for this family we've created and become. How grateful I am we said yes- to each other. To her.

Perspective is everything.