Perspective... they say it's everything. What is it exactly? I'll share the definition: the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship; the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship; a specific point of view in understanding or judging things or events, esp. one that shows them in their true relationship to one another.
A particular way of viewing things that depends on one's experience and personality.
When we left our house Monday morning for the long awaited appointments with 2 specialists and the nurse practitioner at the spina bifida clinic in a city 1.5 hours away, none of us imagined that at 10 AM we'd see 2 deer crossing the highway. I pointed them out to M-n-M, as I am an avid deer lover, and worried intensely that one of them would be hit by traffic in the opposite lanes. The next thing I knew, there was a thundering crash and a third was being flung on top of my hood. I was screaming and crying, Garth was uttering, "oh God", and I could hear, faintly, the whimpers of my girl, frightened by my reaction. I slowly pulled to the side of the road, opened my door, coughing, nauseated, trying to catch my breath, while Garth gently hoisted M-n-M into his arms, where she quickly quieted down. Some passerby stopped to ask if we were okay. I was dazed, only nodded, looking for her... clamoring out of the car- there she was- she was okay, there in his arms. A little teary, but fine. So brave, this one, so much braver than me and it's always been like that. Thank God she never saw what hit us.
Garth walked a bit with her after we all hugged and kissed and pulled ourselves together. The deer was nowhere in sight. I felt sick. I have never hit an animal in my life and happen to have great affection for deer. Hunting season has confused them, caused this, no doubt. I can think of no other reason for deer to be out so late in the morning. I say a prayer that the deer goes peacefully, in haste.
While I'm on the phone making all the necessary phone calls, Garth and M-n-M are outside of the car, talking, looking in at me. She smiles once in a while, points, snarls her face when she sees the mangled mess my bumper has become, and I know the growling noise she's making. She might even be saying, "Mama car broken". Garth tells me later she not only says that, but tells him over and over, with gestures, how I cried because of the accident, and points to the side that is intact, saying, "This one no broken". Her empathy astounds me. She doesn't know yet my tears have nothing to do with the damage to the car.
It will hit me much later, when the shock has worn off. After hours at the repair shop waiting on the ride back to the rental car agency. After picking up the extra car seat- and driving back to the repair shop to pick up my amazing future husband and daughter, both who bear the patience of saints. After she nods off in the car, exhausted.
It will hit me when she lies sleeping at the restaurant, where we decide to stop for a long awaited lunch.
At that moment, I'll look at Garth, and the real tears will come. I'll say to him... it could have been so much worse. I'll tell him I am so sad about the deer, but it was better that I never saw him, because if I had, I would have swerved, slammed on the breaks, and maybe he would have hit her door. Or the car could have flipped. So many different scenarios. He could have broken glass, come through a windshield. Hurt her. Us.
I would get perspective. Right then.
And I'd forgive myself for taking a life. And saving this one.
She awakes to be her happy self again. She's the best at recovery. Is that true of all kids? I don't know. But I know it's true of our girl. She's the one who knows that life is ultimately good, she is the constant reminder that no amount of bad can ever keep her (or anyone in her presence) from smiling.
Her hugs heal my sadness.
And seeing her embrace Baba and life again, often saying, "Mama car broken"- acknowledging and affirming my own heartache- learning on this day that she is not only brave, beautiful, funny, & affectionate- but empathetic as well- causes my heart to swell in gratefulness.
How grateful I am for this little girl who lights up our world. How grateful I am for the strength of this man who is her father. How grateful I am for this family we've created and become. How grateful I am we said yes- to each other.
To her.
Perspective
is everything.
